The Year That Changed Me Part II

So before the year ended, I had in a bouncing albeit drooling baby girl. So her eyes took after that of the sperm donor. So what? I was beyond ecstatic. Giving birth is my highest achievement to date. The pain, the debts, the leg cramps, the back spasms, the morning sickness, being alone, in the end it is all worth it. In exchange I get the incessant drooling, the irresistible coos, the hard-to-come-by-smiles but when bestowed upon me felt like the highest honors. Yes, I am a mere mush in the miniature palm of my child. I am under her spell. The power she wields over me is that of Aphrodite over her love-lorn suitors.

If I'm trying to make this all sound easy, I apologize. It is not my intention to mislead you. Of course, it is difficult.. It is difficult financially. Formula milk is very expensive. I also breastfeed her but since I'm working she has to have milk when I'm not around. And the vaccines are holy-effing-cow-what-the-heck-are-they-putting-in-there exorbitant. Not to mention all those nitty-gritty baby stuff that she needs. It's difficult emotionally. I always question myself, whether I'm giving her what she needs or if I'm being a good mother. It is difficult physically. I wake up several times each night for her feedings. Recovery from the operation was slow. My breasts are always sore. It's difficult in all other aspects. I'm always at the mercy of my nanny who, despite being almost half my age, consumes 3 times as much food as I do. No kidding. But I can live with a perpetually almost-empty ref just as long as she takes good care of the little one when I'm not around.

Yes, with motherhood comes a superhero complex. It's tough. It's demanding. It's rewarding. It's not for everyone. In beauty pageants, when asked what is the essence of being a woman, contestants are always inclined to say that being a mother is. Girls, do not be pressured. Only you can define your life and decide what it's essence is for you. There are a lot of mothers out there who are depressed and do not want to be mothers. If you think you're ready for it, good. If not, don't force it because there is no undo button you can click. And remember, it's not just you anymore. Your choices affect your child.

But then again, I was one of those who didn't want to have kids. I never even considered what it will be like after delivering the baby, what motherhood is really like. I thought that child birth will kill me and I was never able to look past the possibility. But look at me now. Still alive and basking on the combined aroma of baby powder and baby puke. Because really, more often than not, you are never ready for anything until you are smacked right in the middle of it.

The Year That Changed Me Part 1

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Every person has some sort of turning point in their lives. It may come more than once in a lifetime. The first turning point for me had been when I moved out of my parents' house. But the real life-changer, the year that really defined me, is the year that was.

In 2011, there were two major events that happened, both of which I thought I wouldn't survive. First, in July, I got mugged at gunpoint. Second, in November, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I have already spoken about the mugging incident at length, so now let me talk about the best thing that happened to me this year. In fact, the best thing that happened to me ever.

But first, let's set the records straight. I would have gladly told anyone who cared to ask that I made her myself. It was just me. I would have gone as far as saying that I had an immaculate conception. Unfortunately, not only is that impossible in my case, it's also blasphemous, so let's not go there. So, for the record, yes, I had help. I employed the aid of a male specie. But for all intents and purposes, he is just a sperm donor, nothing more, nothing else. Of course I am not proud of that but there it is. I have no need of him moving forward. My baby and I are certainly better off without him. Now you know.  Stop asking.

I gave birth to my baby under a C-section operation. I hate to say this but I now have a new found respect for my own mother. How was she able to do normal delivery for all 5 of us when I couldn't even do it for one? My doctor said that my anatomy won't allow me to give birth normally. It has something to do with a long medical term that has a 3-letter acronym which I forgot. But basically it means that my cervix is invalid. Out of order. Useless. Plus my baby had her cord coiled around her neck. She hadn't even seen the world yet but she's already exhibiting suicidal tendencies.

You would think that with general anesthesia, I got away with childbirth without too much pain. But nooooo. I had to go through 8 hours of excruciating labor before the doctor decided to make me undergo an emergency operation. Now that I'm a mother, I cannot believe that there is a mother out there who is not able to love her own child, because that is just preposterous. But those mothers who say that going through labor had made them closer to their child were lying. I'm not saying that labor pains will make you hate your child. I'm just saying it's not gonna make you love him more. Jessica Zafra once wrote that her friend said that getting kicked in the balls redefines the very concept of pain. I've never been kicked in the balls before so I would not know. But I say that it's child birth that redefines the concept of pain. Do guys bleed when they get kicked in the balls? It doesn't help that you are among indifferent nurses who obviously have not gone through the same ordeal or they would not tell you to keep quiet every time you wail because you have the contractions. I guess their paycheck does not require them to be sympathetic. They can't even pretend to care.

The Most Beautiful Baby Girl In The Universe...

... and Mommy loves her sooooo much.