Update

Something big is brewing...

(photo credit)

My Perk-Me-Up List

White sand beaches (photo credit)

A good book (photo credit)

Red pedicure (photo credit)

Miniskirts and newly-shaved legs (photo credit)

Salon hair days (photo credit)

Chit chat over cups of coffee (photo credit)

A hearty meal (photo credit)

Pizza, soda and DVD nights (photo credit)

Summer tunes (photo credit)

Cagayan de Oro because it's where home, family and friends are. (photo credit)

If I Were A TV Character...

photo credit

...I'd be Mary Alice Young from Desperate Housewives.

She's dead. She's omniscient. She's all knowing. She can laugh at all her friends' crazy exploits. She can be sad about their stupid, pathetic lives. And she can be happy that she is dead. At least, she's not one of them anymore.

This may sound morbid, but I wanna be dead and be aware of what everyone is doing. To know people's every little secret. To see how they look perched on the john. To see what they do when they thought no one was watching. But then what? The problem is you cannot have everything. You can be dead and know everything, but then you couldn't do anything about what you know. Or you could be alive and can do something about what you know, but you can never know everything. And really, if I'm dead, would I still care? Uhmmm, probably not. I'm self-centered in life and probably in death as well.

Sometimes people are so engrossed about their own lives, so absorbed in their own worries and so busy whining about their problems that they don't see that other people have it worse. For some people there is no bigger picture than the here and the now. For  most people it is every man for himself. If you won't save yourself, no one will.

To be human is to be self-promoting.

A Crappy Day in the Head of the Goddess

(To document most of the thoughts that fleet through one's mind is no easy feat. I had to resort to saying what's on my mind loud enough to record myself.)

Upon waking up...

What is this pimple doing on my face? It's as big as my head. If it grows any bigger, it'll grow hair. Maybe I'm mutating.

Nice. Only a few of the ladies are up. No mad dash for the bathrooms. No body count first thing in the morning. I love sembreak!

Shit! My period's here again. Funny how most women's reaction to their period depends on their sex life. Active sex life: Yes, period's back! Non-existent sex life: Noooo, period's back! For me it's definitely shit, period!

I feel so ugly today. But I have to keep up appearances.

And now it's raining. This is so not my day.
 

I cannot read jeepney signs without squinting. I'm so gonna get wrinkles in the forehead.

In the jeep...

I hope this guy beside me is not a snatcher. I'm in a foul mood. If he attempts something, I might beat the living shit out of him.

I hate mass transportation. One of the downsides of poverty. Brings you in close proximity to people who had never seen the insides of a shower room before. Unfortunately, we can't all be rich.

Stupid guy from another car blowing the hell out of his horn like there is no tomorrow. Most probably a guy who thinks of himself as macho. With that kind of attitude on the road, he is probably gonna die in a car accident. Or survive but will have both of his legs cut off. Then he can suffer like how our eardrums did when he was still playing Road Runner.

Arrrrgghh. It's  not yet 9am but I'm already incurring the wrath of the cosmos. It started raining cats and dogs just when I was at my stop. This is an attack!

Stupid rain. Now I'm stuck here. My office building right across and I'm soaking wet. Just when I have a deadline to catch this morning. Shit shit shit.

In the office...

My shoes are wet. My feet are wet. I look like a wet chicken. Shit.

Don't be flustered. The elements are never against a goddess. The rain is supposed to be under the control of my whim. Just say that you are sporting the dewy-goddess look. It's a big trend from where I came from. Lesser mortals would never understand.

Fuckin' rain. This is all your fault. I hate you rain.

Now I have to cram for my research deadline. Stupid rain.

Son of a bitch! None of these are making any sense to me. If I don't finish this in the next 30 minutes, I'm gonna gouge my eye out. Or my pimple.

I'm hungry.

Almost done. Then it's good riddance, payday loans. I will never hear of you in this lifetime again. Ever.

I wonder if the food's already here. I'm hungry.

Yes! Done! Sent!

Gotta check on FB to know who are celebrating birthdays today. If it weren't for online birthday reminders, my friends would hate me for forgetting. Lousy memory.

A million other things waiting to get done. What to do next?

Sign above printed name.

Now, what is it this time?

I'm hungry.

I gotta eat or I'm gonna faint.

Lunch...

My gums hurt.

Why do I always finish first when eating? Everybody else always eats slower than  me. This is my mother's fault. She trained us like the drill sergeant that she is.

Back at my desk...

I wonder why he didn't accept my friend request. He must have thought that I'm gonna stalk him. Oh well, can't really blame him.

Shit! What's with webmail?

Shit! What's wrong with my outlook? Piece of shit! Useless! Arrrrgggghh!!!

Unbelievable! Now I'm having a mental block. I just need a starting point... C'mon brain, work!

I really wonder why he didn't accept my friend request. Tsk.

Still can't think. Need to find another diversion.

Maybe I should eat something.

Oh goody, somebody volunteered to go to McDonald's. Monster coke float and twister fries for me.

What's taking so long? Maybe he got buried under the burden of my monster coke float. *evil laugh

I love McDonald's.

I'm broke. Thankfully, payday is tomorrow. Whoever said that you don't need money to survive is grossly naive. Don't need to have a lot. But you definitely need it. Come to think of it, only rich people say that they don't need money. That's because they have it in abundance that they really don't realize how much they are using it.

Dumb Briton! I need an assassin on the other side of the planet.

6.00pm...

Wow, it's less crazy now. At least I got a lot of stuff out of the way. Yey! I think I deserve a reward.

Shucks! I forgot. I'm broke. Oh well, looking at beautiful things won't hurt either. I'll drop by the mall later.

That's it. Au revoir, work. I'll deal with the rest of you tomorrow. 

At the mall...

I love National Bookstore.

I'm gonna buy a copy of this book.... And this book.... And this book also....And that....

I love National Bookstore.

I wish somebody would give me a P1 million worth of shopping spree at National Bookstore. I would thank him to death.

Oh, so many beautiful stuff. Can't buy any. Time to go.

At the dorm...

Everyone is watching "Magkaribal". I hope Bea dies. I hope Gretchen dies. I hope Derek dies. I hope Angel Aquino lives happily ever after.

Can't bear to watch it with one million girls in the common room though.

Lousy day. Tired like hell. Got to sleep now.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like. It's payday tomorrow. Even if tomorrow I get hit by a speeding vehicle, because it's payday, it would still be better than today.

Yey! Will play tennis again this weekend after 2 weeks of sloth.

Why did he not accept my friend request?

(That's the last thing I recorded. I fell asleep after a few minutes.)

Confessions of a Marriage-Phobic

I have a confession to make. I have a fear of marriage.

When I was a kid, I had always imagined myself being married around this age. Now that I'm at this age and marriage is still nowhere near the horizon, I've grown skeptical about the whole thing. And now, there are all these talks about getting married. Almost everyone I know is either married or planning to get hitched. It could be that I'm imagining things but I feel like there are a lot of scrambling-to-get-married going on around me. Don't get me wrong. I am geniunely happy for those of my friends who felt that the time has come for them. But it is alienating to be standing alone on the other end of the spectrum. Okay, so I am not really alone. I know a couple of other people who share my sentiments so it's the three of us high-fiving each other on the anti-marriage corner. You may also say that this is mere sour-graping on my part. And I admit, it could be.

But let's face it. Marriage is not for everybody. All we have to do is look around us to realize this. My own mother is lucky. My father may not be perfect but he belongs to a different male human species long gone and extinct. Don't even get me started about the guys of my generation. That would entail a separate blog entry altogether. All I can say is, if I'm really desperate for someone to scratch my back, I'd get a dog. At least, it can be trained not to shit all over the place.

Be that as it may, I have not completely ruled out marriage in my uhmmm... future. In the far off chance that the universe will play a cosmic joke, then I will embrace it completely. Just make sure that it is not gonna be to somebody who is going to beat the crap out of me. Because unlike some people, I am not scared to spit in the face of the sanctity that is marriage. The joke is not gonna be on me.

Deal-breaker: Marriage to Chucky

Silence

source

Like everybody else, I am appalled. I have spoken about it in great lengths with my friends but I feel that I have not said enough. However, words are empty and meaningless and will not change anything. So many things that went wrong, so many things that if were done differently would have made a whole lot of difference. But here, today, I am not gonna dwell on those things. I am not an expert. My views on those things are mere speculations of a passive bystander. Instead, I want to take this time to be silent... silence I want to offer for those who died in the tragedy and for those of us left on its wake.

Life still goes on. But it will never be the same.

Good Day, Sunshine

I am now officially living in my own time zone. Of course, I'm gonna miss all the benefits of a graveyard shift but it is also refreshing to be updated with all the going-ons around me. More importantly, it feels great to be at the office in the morning, smelling fresh from a morning shower, with the rest of the morning workforce.

Food for Thought: Burger Paralysis

This was taken from The Big Bang Theory season 1 episode 5.

Sheldon (exasperated over the many kinds of burger in the new restaurant that they were eating in): Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger, the Big Boy.
Waiter Penny: Our Barbeque burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something LIKE a Big Boy?
Penny (yelling): Because you're not at Big Boy!!!

My dear friends, you cannot always have a Big Boy. There will always come a time when the tried and tested choice will not be available to you. But fret not because the galaxy is overflowing with a million other Big Boy substitutes and, with that kind of odds, one of them is bound to be as good as, if not better than, the Big Boy. So get out of your comfort zones and try all the other Big Boys that are available to you because if you do find something better that the Big Boy, which you thought was the best, it will be priceless. In the event that the Big Boy substitute you tried tasted like card board or worse, then spit it out. If you already swallowed it, then don't worry. You will eventually expel it, right? Then it will be out of your system for good and then you can go ahead and try another Big Boy substitute. That my friends is why life is good. Let's go out and grab some Big Boy sometime.

I Want To Improve My Life... (Part 2)

(Here is the continuation of a post from last week.)

Change your wardrobe. What? I do not feel inclined to go Goth. Improve. Not change.
Smile at least 10x a day. Really? Even if there is no reason to? And risk looking like a patient from a mental institution? I think not.
Burn some old memories. Already did. And the amount of space it freed after that is just dying to get filled again.
Plant a tree. Planning to with some friends. Maybe later this year.
Move to another town or country. I'm already in another town. Besides, I don't like moving.
Join new group. I can't think of a group to join right now.
Stop watching TV. I have not had a TV for 4 years now. Sometimes it's actually depressing. But it does spare me from all the crap that people with TV have to put up with.
Start a totally unexpected hobby. I plan to plant my own herbs. When I told my mother about this she was worried because according to her, gardening are either for married people or for spinsters. Since I still have no plans to get married, she just assumed that I'm practicing to be a spinster.
Randomly hug a stranger on the street. No. The stranger will either think that I'm crazy, in which case he'll run screaming away from me, or that I'm a very dangerous person, in which case he'll stab me to death thinking that he was just defending himself.
Set a surprise party. I'm not really a party person. I do not like parties. So it is very unlikely that I would be able to organize a party. But you are doing this to improve yourself, you say. Sure. I will improve myself by not being a party-pooper, which I usually am. There's your improvement.
Go hiking. Yes. Some friends are planning to, along with the tree planting.
Get a pet. I would love to get a dog but it's too much commitment. It's like having a baby only more smelly and hairy. The poor creature will probably die within a week of being with me.
Write a thank you letter. I wrote a thank you blog. Fine. I'll write a letter. Happy now?
Meditate daily. I'm planning to learn yoga. That should take care of the meditation stuff.
Say something nice to somebody. I admit I don't always compliment people unless I was shocked into making the compliment. I will try more often.
Say something nice to You.  NOW we're talking. This I never fail to do albeit only when nobody is around to hear. I would not want anyone to think that I am the female reincarnate of Narcissus.
When in doubt, improvise. Sometimes, that may not be a good idea. Haha. I've heard horror stories about this.
Don't argue, win or lose. Fortunately, I have never seen the sense in arguing. I avoid arguments like a plague.
Stop faking your life. I never need to fake my life. My life is fabulous. People would be lucky to have a life like mine. Like I said, I sometimes sound like Narcissus.
Define goals. Done. Achieving them is entirely different.
Go social. Man, this is the same as the 'Make new friends' from the earlier post. Again, I'll try.
Spend some time alone. Ah, now this I love. I do it all the time.
Fix something by yourself. I'm sure I have fixed something. I just can't remember at the moment.
Help others. I have been doing this all my life. What can I say, I'm the snob with a heart.
Create value. Hell, yeah. What is the purpose of creating something that is completely worthless. And I'm not just talking about monetary value here.
Do random act of kindness. There was a girl who fell down on the side of the street. She couldn't get up immediately because she scraped her knees. Her bag and books were scattered on the sidewalk. I picked up her books and did a really stupid thing. I asked her if she was okay. Of course, she is not okay. But she said she was anyway. Bottom line is I'm a very helpful and kind person. I could not help it. It's in my nature.
One more second. I have a natural inclination to procrastinate. I am not proud of that but there it is. So I just don't take one more second. I take another minute. Or two.
Understand what people want from you. Sure. But a problem arises when people don't understand what they want from you. Besides, you'll never be able to understand everything so I don't sweat it.
Break an old habit. Swearing. I know it's not good. I will try harder not too.
Stop complaining. Au contraire, I rarely complain. I am such a doormat, I hate it.
Reject what you don't want. Actually, easier said than done.
Being is better than having. What can I say? I'm a material girl. But I do try to be. Whatever that means.
Listen to your critics. All the time. I don't necessarily agree with them and most of the time I think they are wrong but I do listen.
Don't take it personally. I need to work on this one. I find it very difficult to not personally take any attack that is thrown against me or anything I did. It just is. I mean, if it's me or something I did, how can it not be personal?
Laugh. I laugh. A lot. Like a lunatic.
Go with passion. I do. Most of the time anyway. I am a fairly passionate person.
Trust your emotion. Yes. Sometimes my emotions are over-the-top but they are seldom completely wrong.
Live it like a holiday. This is gonna be a problem because holiday means spending and that is something that I'm trying to curb right now.
Make a story out of it. Oh, puh-lease. I'm not a story teller. I don't want to be. I don't want to be the person who bores the other person into a coma with anecdotes from my life.
Stop being a follower. Ummm...
Watch your belief. This is fair enough. Our beliefs do help mold us into the person that we are.
Stop lying. I'm not a habitual liar but you have to admit that there are times when it is better to lie.
Stop reacting to stuff. It takes a hell of a lot to annoy or affect me. It's such a waste of energy.
Live today. Of course. We can only live today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.
Expect the unexpected. Always.
Enjoy. Of course. Why else would I got through all these?
Make your own rules. Yes. Then break all of them. There are no rules.
Love. I'm a fan of love. I love love.
Get rid of levels. Just like the rules, baby. All going out the window.
No regrets. None whatsoever. Live, love and let cleavage.

Goodbye, Gilmore Girls

Nice run, girls. I enjoyed it so much. Thanks for the roller coaster ride.

After all those time that our bond was put on hold because I went away from home and lived in places with no TV. I finally got to watch the whole 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls. All those witty comments, hilarious jokes, food-binging and mother-daughter moments reminded me of the time when I sat in front of the TV watching your pilot episode many years ago wishing that I had the same relationship with my mother. If your final episode came out then, it would have made me realize that there was still hope for my mother and me.

Chris was the very essence of perfection...

...but I still prefer to have a Luke.

I cannot believe I was living vicariously through the Gilmores. Now its over. Oh well. Goodbye, Loreleis.

I Want To Improve My Life... (Part 1)

I don't want to fall into a rut and die so I'm looking for ways to improve my life. Just this past couple of weeks, I suddenly feel so in control of my life. I'm getting better at tennis. I have defined a reasonable financial objective and I am fairly confident about achieving them, at least the short-term and mid-term ones. I feel really good and I makes me want to do something that would make me feel even better. So I was browsing on the internet and I came across this blog. It's a list of stuff you can do to make your life better. Since I have time and in a personal-improvement mode, here they are:


Accept my mistakes. That's easy enough. I am perfectly sure that right now I am not carrying a chip over some mistake that I did.  
Accept my friends' mistakes. Also no problem. I have this tendency to hold a grudge over someone who did me really wrong especially if they are my friends because I just feel like they should know better. But right now, there are no mistakes from friends that are looming over my head unaccepted so this is a check.
Create a new habit. I'm trying to make a habit out of making a gratitude list every week. I usually do the list on Mondays so that I don't feel too bugged about the weekend being over. I'm still starting so it's very hard to try to remember to keep at it.
Build self-discipline. This one takes a lot of effort. It will probably take me my entire lifetime to do this. This is an on-going process for me.
Make new friends. Damn. I knew this was gonna be on the list. It's always on all self-improvement lists. I swear I'll try. I am not opposed to making new friends. I just couldn't get myself to start up a conversation. When somebody approaches me to make friends with me, I'm not gonna give him a hard time but I'm not gonna be the one. to. start. the. conversation.
Get a new job. I can't. I'm still 6 months into this one. And I happen to like it.
Start a new diet. I will. But not a diet diet. It's more like a diet that will include more variety into my meals. But I'm going to start that when I have a new place where I can actually cook.
Keep a journal. Yes.
Create and keep a morning phrase. Apparently, this is something you say to yourself every morning to set your mood for the whole day. I'll think of something.
Travel far away from home. Well, I'm living in a place far away from home so I guess this is done. 
Learn to take risks. Yes, I am sort of a risk-taker. I've moved out of our house. I've quit a job. I've jumped off a cliff to a deep water and I am not even confident with my ability to swim.
Start your own business. Hmmm... I don't know...
Change your work space. Okay, I'll work on that.
Learn a new language. Spanish. Next year.
Find reasons to agree. Are you kidding me? I'm the most agreeable person I know.
Pay yourself first. I thought I was already doing this because everytime I get my paycheck I always buy myself stuff first. Now I understand that when I do that, I am paying the store, not myself. Paying yourself means put part of your income in your savings account first. Started doing it just this month.
Wake up early. Well, I would not know how to measure this because I work during the night. I will be transferred to a morning shift soon so I will know then.
Train your focus. For me, this is similar to the self-discipline thing. I'm working on it.
Start a blog.  Done.
Write an ebook.  I don't know. That's kinda hard. 
Be better, not perfect. An ongoing process.
Stop self-sabotage. I don't think I do this. I self-doubt but I don't self-sabotage.
Find reasons to love your life. I don't need reasons. I love myself. Period.
Try something new. I tried Thai food. It did horrible things to my stomach. I will still go on trying new things though. I love the sense of adventure it brings.
Avoid fighting. I do. At all cost. Even to the point of saying yes to everything. And that does not improve my life. I need to learn to say no without guilt.
Stop wasting power. Again, it's the self-discipline thing.
Learn to ignore. I am good at this. It annoys my mother that she can't annoy me. Nyahaha.
Experiment gratitude. Not only do I experiment it but I practice it. I say thank you to everyone even if they are just doing it because it's their job.
Recycle your aggression. This is why I love tennis. You can do to the ball what you can't do to the person who annoys the hell out of you.
Release your guardian. Guardians are those which are keeping you from jumping into opportunities or doing something crazy. I'm okay in this department. I don't have a lot of guardians. Just enough to keep me in the right path.
Clean up your house. I don't have a house so I guess the room will do.
Write a personal mission statement. Hmmm. Kinda hard also.
Dissolve negative opinions about yourself. I don't have a negative opinion of myself. I have a realistic opinion of myself and even those I try to break. Sometimes. Little by little.
Build different skills. Writing is a skill I'm trying to build. Something which is completely different from my field.
Manage your time as you manage your money. Also a work in progress.
Exercise. Since I started doing tennis, I realize why a lot of people, including myself in the past, are not successful with their exercise regimen. It's because for them, exercise means to jog or go to the gym. Well guess what, guys. The reason why you can't keep at jogging or going to the gym is because it is boring. Try a sport. It's way better.
Be a parent. No.
Throw away one object a day from your house. No. To what end? Why buy stuff when you are just gonna throw it away? Unless it is badly damaged. Besides, I'm a packrat. It's against my nature.
Read a book per week. A book per month is more realistic for me. Sorry.
Start a monthly challenge. I'm not every good at thinking out challenges. Throw me a challenge and I'll try my hand at it.
Call an old friend. Done.
Follow a coincidence. No. I think it's more romantic that they remain a coincidence. When it's a coincidence, it's nature's accident. It's the universe conspiring. I love that.
Play a game. Tennis game?
Forgive somebody out of the blue. I don't know anyone who needs forgiveness from me.
Stop solving the wrong problems. Yes. Sometimes I fall into this kind of trap. I lose focus and end up worrying about the wrong things.
Make peace with an old enemy. Ummm... I don't have an old enemy that I know of.
Make a promise to a close person and keep it. Really? And that would improve my life how?
Break up with a person you don't really like. Ahhh...
Get a thing you wanted for a long time. This makes me sad. I can't remember anything I wanted for a long time. Damn.
Stop being judgmental. Fortunately, I am seldom judgmental. Haha.

(to be continued...)
more from Dragos Roua- Brilliantly Better

Virtues

(This was something I wrote a few months back.)

Let me state for the record that I am not an old-fashioned person. However, there is one old-fashioned notion that I cling to tenaciously and that is my belief that patience is a virtue. In this dog-eat-dog and cyber-driven society, I still believe that good things come to those who wait.

This is not an easy feat. Very few people share this sentiment and it is probably easier to remember the deadly sins than the heavenly virtues. Who wants to be a stuck-up goody-two-shoes when the evil ones get all the fun? Who wants to be labeled meticulous and accurate when everybody is looking for someone aggressive and proactive? Which is not to say that being aggressive and proactive is wrong. What I mean is, how can you sit calmly and wait when you look around you and see that everybody else is living in their dream house, driving their dream car, working on their dream job and going to their dream vacation with their dream significant other?

You look at yourself and convince yourself that your due share will come because you have worked hard and waited for so long that there is no way you couldn't deserve what you were asking for. You repeat it again and again yet you cannot shake this terrible feeling that a little part of you is saying, "Congratulations if you live to see that happen."

Oh no, to wait is not an easy feat. The uncertainty of what is to come in the future is maddening. Witnessing the rewards reaped by those I deemed undeserving is disheartening. Fortunately, just as I am not old-fashioned, I am also not jaded. So I wait, while all around me children grow up and grow old, fairy tales were told and forgotten, and corporate-ladder climbers go up and fall down. I cross my fingers and continue to wait because I believe that my time will come and when it does it's here to stay.

To My Beloved Friend and Minion, Alexis

(My friend Alexis wrote this on her Facebook page. This blog entry is my reply.)

You are right. Day offs are rare gifts. Why do I get this feeling that you spend yours worrying about tomorrow or about the stuff you need to do when you get back to work? You worry too much. You need to relax. If I had a dime every time I tell you this, I'd be a millionaire by now.

You are right. Life is not easy. All of us have some sort of bitterness, regrets, and mistakes. The important thing is we learn from them and move on. Do not let the negative stuff take center-stage.

It is human nature to be uncontented. It is okay to aspire for possessions and a higher status in life. But that should not be your end goal. When we die, we cannot take any of those with us to the after-life.

If you don't like where you are and what you do, you can only do so much. At some point you have to stop and ponder if it is all worth it. Things may not work out but that doesn't necessarily mean a dead end. If you have learned from it then it has served its purpose. Nothing we do is ever pointless, the good or the bad. Unless you just sit in one corner and wait for the day of your death or the apocalypse, whichever comes first. Now, THAT is pointless.

The most important thing in life I believe is to do something which you believe in, something that is worth your time. Not only will your life be productive but when you die and your Creator will ask you what you have been doing with the time He gave to you, you will not be embarrassed with your answer.

Do not wait for things like love, fame and success to happen to you. Make them happen. And if they don't happen, cheer up, it's not the end of the world. There are other things in life that can make you happy, like your family, friends and work. Like everything else in this world, happiness is a choice. It has to be a conscious effort on your part and no, you cannot find that in another person especially if you are not happy with yourself.

Indeed, you are lucky. Your family loves you. We, your friends, love you just as much. I know you will continue to worry. It's one of the things you do well. It's one of the things we love about you. It's one of the things that make you you. But don't overdo it. Wrinkles are never in fashion. Always remember, however deep the pit that you may be in at any given time, some people have it worse. Some people die miserable. As long as you are alive, you have a better chance of getting yourself out of that shithole and die happy.

More importantly, what makes you really lucky, is that you have me. Your semi-perfect deity of a friend who is willing to go out on a limb to give you decent advice. Understand that this is non-compulsory. You may read this and not follow it, if you wish. Though I strongly advice against that because I know I am right and I would totally hate to see this blog space go to waste.

I am kidding, of course. A little.

Now, if I could only learn to follow my own advices, I'd be in better shape than I am today in all respects. But I guess that's just not how it works.

The Unlikely Ineptitude Of The Goddess

If I were Superman, my Kryptonite would be social gatherings. I heard a statement from America's Next Top Model being said of one of the contestants and I am going to use that statement to describe my ineptitude: I have the social grace of an infant. Yes, I watched that show. Call me shallow then sue me.

Being surrounded by a bunch of strangers or casual acquaintances in an environment that requires me to mingle with them incapacitates me. I'm just not good with making friends or starting a conversation. I would rather sit in one corner and pretend to text all the people in my phone book as if my life depended on it. I don't know when this started. I was Most Sociable in Kindergarten. I swear, I'm not making that up. I don't know what happened between then and now that turned me into a hermit. I guess I was surrounded with close friends all the time that I didn't feel the need to make new ones. The thought of being involved in some mundane conversation with people I don't really know is not appealing to me. What's worse is I have to pretend that I give a rat's ass about these people's problems or their current preoccupation in life. Big deal. We all have them, get over it.

Maybe that's why I don't have a lot of friends. I am too... Sheldon Cooper, for lack of a better term. Maybe I should try harder. But on the other hand, I don't really have to.

Leonard: ...We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you have never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.

But here is another trusty quote from my old friend, Jean-Paul Sartre: "Hell is other people." 


How empathic.

My Passion for Writing: A Long History

When I was still in kindergarten I wanted to become a nurse. My main fascination lay in the fact that they look immaculate and sexy in their uniform. Moreover, every single nurse that I saw then was really pretty. However, I realized that I have a weak stomach for things like blood, ugly wounds, anything that smells bad and anything that looks eww. A trait which I have unfortunately inherited from my mother. So I had to chuck that ambition out of the window.

When I was in 3rd grade, I discovered the joys of reading and how it made me better in my English subjects. So I started reading more than what was necessary and, naturally, this led to my interest in books and wanting to write something that I would want to read. When I graduated in elementary, I was Writer of the Year, an accolade which was awarded to me because I wrote one lousy poem about my crush and cemented by the fact that I read and spoke better English than the rest of my classmates.

When I got to high school and went to Philippine Southfield School, it was a little different because although I still read more than most of the people in my class, there were now a few guys who were just as good in English and writing. But that didn't matter so much because I have never been a type A competitive person. I'm the kind who, when I'm sure of my answer, will share that to anyone who asks for it, even on major exams. Yes, I know. That is considered cheating but did I also mention that I have always been morally-gray? That is also the reason why I am not so religious. Religions are pretty much black and white when it comes to their stand on moral issues. I'm just not. But I digress.

In freshman year of high school, notwithstanding the fact that there were a few other people good at what I thought was my field, I still loved English and writing all the more. Teacher Vi was a really great teacher and she made the subject interesting. In sophomore year, we had a second English teacher. Teacher Maia was new to our school and she was also a real writer. Our English classes under her were focused on writing and applied English in general. I honestly thought I could impress the hell out of her. When I received the first-ever composition paper that she graded for us, holy stinking cow shit! It was a blood-bath! I literally could not see my own penmanship because of the gazillion corrections that Teacher Maia did in red (even now, if she is reading this, she is probably making mental red marks :)). And since I didn't adapt the I-don't-care-if-I'm-wrong-as-long-as-we're-all-wrong mentality until college, it didn't matter that all the other paper shared the same fate. I was beyond humiliated. Fortunately, I am not easily disheartened when failing at something I love doing and Teacher Vi and Teacher Maia were very encouraging and enthusiastic. By junior year, with our English teachers as advisers, our school established its own publication, I being a part of the editorial staff. By the time I graduated, my father and I were advised by our school's Vice President for Academics, Mr. Apepe, who was one of our mentors during workshops for the school paper, that I should take up Creative Writing or Mass Communication at Siliman University. I was even more encouraged by that push. My father went as far as inquiring dorms for me in that school. Unluckily, my mother did not agree because Siliman was too far away and she would rather that I studied within Cagayan de Oro City. The best school in our city was Xavier University but it didn't offer any creative writing courses so I went on an entirely different path and took up Accountancy which was the best curriculum that XU offered. I do not hate my mother anymore for not letting me go and I don't really dwell on the what if's of my life. Sometimes, though, it does cross my mind that if only I've had formal training...

College was distinctive, for lack of a better term. I wasn't sure about my major. Being enrolled in the most intimidating course of the most intimidating school in our part of the country, every single one of my classmates were the smartest or the second smartest in their respective schools. All of them wanted to sit in front. All of them raised their hands when the teacher asked a question. All of them spent their vacant periods studying in the library. I wasn't a bad student. In fact, I was an honor student all through elementary and high school. But I never sat in front. I never raised my hand even when I knew the answer. And I only visited the library when I was stalking my college crush or when I was reading books not related to my course (which, if it counted for something, would have made me summa cum laude, no kidding).

Suffice it is to say that my love for English and writing never waned and in that environment of stressed-out students and overdue papers, I found another formidable English teacher, Ma'am Illana. Since my course considered English a minor subject, I only had 5 English classes my entire college life. Fortunately, I had Ma'am Illana in 3 of them. I may not have been good in Accounting, Finance, Law, and Taxation, subjects which were considered major in my course, but not even the best person in Accounting from my class could trounce me in English (ahem). I aced every single English class I had. I especially liked the Humanities. I always studied for it. One time, my father noticed me studying and we had a conversation that went like this:

Him: You are always studying for English. That's your minor and you are already good at that. Even if you don't study, you're gonna get good grades on it. Why not study more for your Accounting? That's your major and you are flunking out on that.

Me: I'm bad in Math and anything that involves numbers. You knew this. If you had only fought for me to go to Siliman, English would be my major, I wouldn't have any Accounting subjects and we would not be having this conversation.

Ok, it didn't actually happen like that but you get the idea. Like I said, I do not hate my mother anymore for not letting me go. At some level, she was right. I do notice that there were just a lot more opportunities for commerce graduates, though I could be wrong. And like I said, I'm not the type who dwells on the what if's. I am happy now. I really am. I may not have turned out to be the writer in the caliber that my high school teachers expected but I believe that I am where I should be. Of course, I will always thank them for their help and influence:

Teacher Vi, with her post-it notes of praise and encouragement which I kept up to this very day.
Teacher Maia, with her ever-reliable red pen. I appreciate all the corrections and comments. They made me better and made me see the beauty of the language even more.
Ma'am Illana, with her formidable look and ancient knowledge in English. You'll never know how much you touched my life.

Thank you!

I See Dead People

No, I do not mean that literally. God forbid if I start doing so. You probably need to take that as a sign of an impending apocalypse. I am digressing here since this is not the main topic of this blog entry. But for the sake of satisfying the curiosity of my faithful readers (a grand total of 2 persons), let me explain.

I do not believe that dead people walk among us. There is no metaphysical, paranormal or parapsychological explanation for this, just a logical one. Even if dead people have the option to remain on earth to haunt the living, as good as that sounds, I don't think that they are inclined to chose that option. The world is over-populated enough as it is. There is just not enough room for them anymore. And because, unlike the dead, the living do not have the option to go elsewhere other than this planet (Mars is not yet open for occupancy), it is more likely that dead people take the high road and choose the more suitable place for themselves. Or if they don't get to chose, as the case may be, I still think that any place other than with the living is the more acceptable option.

Let me elaborate. Not a lot of people go to heaven. It is probably this really huge and beautiful place where your closest neighbor lives in another zip code, or perhaps in another time zone. Who doesn't want to go there? As for hell, there might be a long line leading into that place but Dante said that there are 9 circles, one for each sin, and I highly doubt that any of them are full. Why else would Lucifer be wanting more people to go to hell? I'm sure it's not because he doesn't have a choice. If there is anything that Lucifer has in abundance, it would be choices. So if you go to hell, you will be put in one of those circles to suffer for your sins. If that doesn't seem like a good way to spend the rest of your eternal life, that's because it isn't. But think of it this way, you will be among the dead who share your, uhm, passion. And with the number of occupants in each circle there and more coming, you'll have enough stories to share for the rest of your damnation. Hey, it'll be like one endless Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

If I die right now and go straight to hell, I probably wouldn't find this funny so I should just stop right now. But that's my explanation for not believing that there are dead people with us. Of course, you have to understand that I am not going to say that out loud even if you pay me. There is always that far off chance that I am wrong and that they are indeed here and can hear every single word we say. I don't want to challenge them into making a believer out of me. That would be a tragedy. Or a comedy, depending on which side you are on. In the even more unlikely chance that they also read blogs, there are only two things I can say.

Number 1: I am possessed and not myself, therefore I do not remember writing this.
Number 2 (in case the ghosts don't believe number 1): Oh, crap.

Since my digression has already taken up the amount of time I tolerate for writing nonsense, let me offer this short explanation for my original idea for this entry. I see dead people figuratively. People who are alive but are living a dying life. People who are just going through the motions of living but, deep inside, are really dead. They do not know how it feels like to be truly alive. I realize that this sounds so "The Greatest Miracle in the World" by Og Mandino. But it is true. And since I am no ragpicker, I cannot do anything for these people. I can only hope that I am not one of them.

On The Other Side of The Fence

I understand that career prospects in the Philippines are bleak. I understand why some people have to go out of the country to look for a job. It's just that there never was a need for me to do so. I have a lot of friends working abroad and I had been invited many times to join them. I declined every single time. Not because I am earning well in the Philippines but because I never had the need to earn that much. I am perfectly happy here. I don't want to go. My roommate said that I am the only person she knows who doesn't want to go. I don't care. I want to stay. Or so I thought, until a month ago.

Dianne is in Dubai and she told Tetet and I that if we are interested to go work there, she could help us. Tetet said yes in a heartbeat. I told them that if Tetet manages to get out of the country, then I'll join them both. I didn't even think about it.  My mind did a 360-degree turn in a split second.

I don't know what my motives are and as soon as I'm done analyzing my feelings, I will get back to you. All I could come up right now is that maybe, subconsciously, I want to escape. Escape from what, I cannot say yet. Some part of me still don't want to go. I am a Taurus. I am a big fan of security and comfort zones. I am not the kind of person who has an if-you-can't-beat-them-join-them mentality. If I had lived in the time of Moses, I would not have joined the exodus. So why now? Why seek greener pastures in, as Janica put it, some dessert city? Oh, the irony.